“You’re too much.”
“You go zero to 60 in .2 seconds.”
“Stop being sensitive!”
“You must like chaos.”
I consistently replay these quotes in my head. The people who spoke them have come in and out of my life.
I feel emotions far more than the average person. Although on the surface that may not sound entirely life-altering, it’s crippling.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder.
I live every day on the surface. Every emotion is ready to be set off—no matter what. When I’m happy, I’m euphoric. When I’m angry, I’m a monster. When I’m sad, I’m depressed. I have no in between. I’m either green, or red. I have no yellow.
Putting my disorder into words is impossible. My mind is a maze, and it makes me sick to even think of it.
All I want is to be close to people. I want a relationship where I can share, love, be safe, but I become “too intense” and “too much” for anybody to handle. So, ultimately, I’m left with nobody. It’s a terrible cycle.
I suffer every day. I suffer with feeling overwhelmed all the time.
I find it difficult to communicate. What I feel in my heart and my head doesn’t translate. I can love you with my mind, body and soul while my words are the exact opposite.
I’m not trying to start drama and I’m not an attention seeker. When I “overact” it is not easy for me to recover.
I hurt. I hurt others. I’m depleted at the end of the day.
I am constantly afraid of the idea of being alone; abandonment is hell. I latch onto people and let go before they are able to let go of me.